That’s right. Single ladies put your hands up. While I am enjoying my singledom I gotta tell ya, sometimes it’s hard being a single gal! I was recently reminded just how freakin crazy boys can be. Don’t get me wrong, 98% percent of girls are nuts, but boys-they are tricky little bastards. I was thinking about the guys I have dated, some of the ridiculous first dates I have been on, and some of the god awful guys I have gone out with when a light bulb went off. Most of these horrid messes I have gotten myself into could have been avoided had I just paid attention to the huge red warning flag that was waving right in front of my face. What’s that line from Sweet Home Alabama, something about southern gals not making the right decision till they try all the wrong ones? Insert here.Ladies, in attempts to share my knowledge, help you possibly avoid some mistakes, and allow you to maintain your dignity during a friendly game of ‘never have I ever’ I have compiled a list of without a doubt, red flags. Deal breakers. Run the other way immediately things. Do not proceed any further-ism’s if you will. These are all 100% true. And while I wish I could claim all of them personally, I do have to admit that some of these happened to a dear friend of mine who shall again, remain nameless. But most of them I shamefully can call my own. I can hardly admit some of these with a straight face. But here we go…
Proceed courtship NO further if…1. If he dumps you for Jesus. He tell’s you that you are distracting him from his walk with God. His exact words? “I am on fire for the Lord.” Yet he goes hot tubbing the next weekend with girls of the chestier/sluttier/older variety.2. If his name is Beans. Enough said.3. If he tells you after the fact that he has moved back in with his parents, in another town by the way.4. If the only way you can refer to him is “you know, IT Brian” as in my computer isn’t working, I need to call the guys from IT.5. If he doesn’t call you for three days because he forgot your phone number.6. If he doesn’t shower after he gets off his shift at corkeys barbecue, and hence smells of pork products. Scratch that. If he works at Corkey’s barbeque.7. If he tells you he is going to be an astronaut, is in a secret NASA program, orders your dinner in French, but then apparently has a sudden career shift and deliver’s a pizza to your friends house the next week. Run.8. If within a week of seeing you he says “I’m just so emotionally exhausted, this is all just happening so fast” wow dude. Just let me know next time you are on your period… geez.9. Whilst sharing your first kiss he says “I don’t have a condom”10. If he says to you “I am so drunk, I can’t ride my own two feet right now…” WHOA dude where are you from?
11. If he Jake Pavelka’s it, bringing you an obnoxious display of possible funeral arrangement flowers that he picked up from the service down the street, and proceeds to tell you over dinner when he lost his virginity, that your religion is stupid, that his ex girlfriend has fake boobs, and then calls you a bitch to your face.12. If he takes you on a first date to CiCi’s pizza buffet. Did I mention he was a “manny” and this nanny met him at ballet practice because our kids danced together. He also had a girlfriend who he oops, forgot about. They are now married.
13. If he scales the outside of your house, to climb in your second story bathroom window, while you are in the shower because you did not answer your phone.14. If he tells you that he didn’t go to prom junior or senior year of high school, because no girls liked him, and his parents threw him a pizza party. Likely a sob story to get in your pants. And I would like to add that this works.15. If he is seventeen years your senior, and you are closer to his son’s age. Things get weird. Trust me.16. And last but not least, If he tells you he is really into you, but oh yeah-oops- he is still seeing a chic named Lori, and also he has to take her to her colonoscopy the next day, but hopes you understand. Just run. “Run run away, don’t let him mess with your mind… he’ll tell you anything you wanna hear…” Cowboy Casanova ladies and gentlemen.I hope this has been informative. I know I am forgetting some classics, but I just can’t remember them at this moment. Ladies PLEASE share any you would like to add. We single gals HAVE to help each other out, and you married ladies, I KNOW you have some lessons in your closet too. It is Friday, and I need some entertainment. So dish girls, what ya got for me? GO.