Sooo… first off, it is February 2010. I have not blogged since June of 2009, yikes. It has been a crazy year, so please forgive me. I started blogging a year ago to help me through a difficult time in my life, so it seems only fitting that I start blogging again during another. I am not going to get into things too much, as it is still hard for me to talk about. This past year has been a whirlwind for me, and those I love. I ended a four year on/off again relationship with someone I truly loved, because he wasn’t ready to commit at the time. I spent the next months crying myself to sleep, and trying to shut that door, only 10 months later to have him come back into my life and propose. The perfect proposal. I said yes with all of my heart-and only into the months to come did I realize what a huge decision was weighing on my heart. I chose to end the engagement. I have never felt more pain, but at the same time more peace with anything in my life. As little girls, we grow up believing that Prince Charming will come into our lives, everything will be perfect and we will know exactly what our path is. If only it were that easy. I have become such a strong person this past year, and I guarantee I would not recognize myself a year ago. I have realized so many things, but most importantly that the only agenda that matters for my life, is mine and the one God has for me. I have to make my decisions solely on what i feel in my heart, as hard as they may be. I have unbelievable friends, constantly offering unwavering support. Although I am hurting, I find comfort in this prayer my FF (forever friend) Sara sent me:
“Father I pray for my sister. Give her a heart of desire and comfort and give her a fresh yearning for your truth. You are the god of abundance. You are the giver of gifts. For these next few weeks, dear God, give her an abundance of spiritual gifts. Pour out your mercy. Welcome your daughter with open arms. Father, make these next weeks a refuge for her. Give her emotional safety, mental peace, spiritual passion and deeper friendship. Make your truths poignant and alive to her. Give her wisdom beyond the meager offerings of this teacher. Where there is brokenness, bring healing. Where there is mourning, bring comfort. Where there has been “gotta be” replace it with “when you are.” We bring you our everyday lives and all our imperfections. We lay everything we meant to be and everything we want to be at your feet. Oh father, make our offering beautiful.”
Thank you to all of my amazing girlfriends, and thank you for being there with me through all of this-reminding me that I will be ok. I love you.
I love you more than you will ever know. I wish I could come over and hold you while you cry in my lap (I wouldnt laugh this time). I would love to kiss your forehead and let you know how beautiful you are and how Gods plans for your life are bigger than you can see right now. That your purpose is far greater than this trench and that God is using these circumstances to build great strength in you for something incredible. He doesnt waste anything. I wonder whats in store? The ripple effect of your precious heart touches more people than you realize Ali.
I love you dear sister.
I love you sister. thank you SO much for your support. Your comment made me cry at work. I love you, and am so thankful for you. As scary as it is, I know He has a bigger plan that I cannot understand at this moment. Having that constant faith is what keeps me going.
Love you.
So I just found your blog today and decided to start at the beg. that way I can know the full stories not most recent lol. This post hit home for me. I am going throught somewhat of what you did not nearly as complicated so I could only imagine, but am glad that you have healed but it is extrememly hard to decide who/what path to choice when you have a perfect picture in your head.
I know you posted this forever ago…but I have always been a faithful follower of yours and your experiences have helped me so so much. Although my circumstances have not been nearly as deep as yours, I too have lost the person I loved/my very best friend all because I was not sure of what I wanted. He left me in the past too and just as I was healing..he came walking back in. We were never engaged but your story relates to me all too well. I hope you don't find this stalker-ish but sometimes I find myself going back to read your posts when I am hurting and need encouragement. It is amazing how hearing someone else's story can give you just an ounce of hope to keep moving forward. You have such a beautiful spirit and I am so happy I found your blog last year during the start of my struggles. Thank you for sharing your stories. I know they have touched so many lives including mine.
– Meagan